Short and Sweet

Vegas

2005-12-26T00:00:00.000-06:00

Well it was a delicious anniversary trip to Lost Wages, I mean Los Vegas. The food was great, the sights, sounds, and shows were amazing, our hotel was fantastic, and it was all very romantic, despite the $200 casino losses. Hey, we got off easy, lots of folks lose BIG money there. Its mind boggling to think some hotels have 4000 to 5000 rooms. Of course the true highlight (lowlight) of the trip was boarding a city bus and having a drunk guy offer me a drink from his flask...right after getting kicked off the bus. Guess that’s all in a typical Sin City day.

Finally. Some Life Direction. Ha.

2005-12-08T06:57:00.000-06:00

As seen on a road trip to Dallas, Texas.

Que Hora Es?

2005-11-11T12:35:00.000-06:00

My 15 year old daughter reports this -- from the front lines of a semi-upscale suburban Houston high school, in one of the top Texas school districts:

Two of her friends cannot tell time using a regular clock. Digital clock? No problem. Clock with hands? No joy. My daughter has to read them the time in the cafeteria. This is real, not a hoax.

Luckily, dial telephones are nearly extinct, or these girls would really be lost.

Shifting the Paradigm Shift

2005-11-04T09:41:00.000-06:00

I heard a radio reporter talking about the "turn of the century." My brain flashed to images of the 1900 timeframe. But -- he was actually talking about 2000. Yikes.

"The Weatherman" Movie...

2005-10-27T07:12:00.000-05:00

Mixed reviews.

The Good.

The Bad.

No ugly (yet).

Rocky 6!

2005-10-20T23:43:00.000-05:00

Inspiration for all of us MAWGs.

Yo Adrian.

ASTROS WIN!

2005-10-20T00:41:00.000-05:00

SWEET!

I Am So Lazy -- Part 2

2005-10-12T23:34:00.000-05:00

I am so lazy that...
...I drop ice cubes directly into the wide-mouth Gatorade bottle. This saves the time and trouble of pouring it into a glass. Of course.

Python Pandemic

2005-10-10T20:09:00.000-05:00

An 11-foot python escaped in southwest Houston. Maybe it will slither over to southeast Houston, where we have alligators. Let the epic battle begin! Can we sell tickets...?

It is hilarious that the owner is worried about the python getting hurt.

Not to be outdone, Florida chimes in with another python story.
Except that python vs. cat isn't too exciting.

Too Cool: Python vs. Alligator

2005-10-08T22:46:00.000-05:00

This slow-news-day story from Florida has tapped some subconscious, primal, battle-of-the-titans juvenile male fascination.

Python vs Alligator. Yeah, baby.

Only problem... I can't figure out who to root for. And...who is the underdog?

Thanks but no thanks

2005-10-01T23:21:00.000-05:00

Gee, thanks, Bill Bennett.

A huge setback for us MAWGs (Middle Aged White Guys).

Get the Memo?

2005-09-30T22:32:00.000-05:00

Just wondering.

Why do people live -- and re-build their house and business -- in disaster-prone areas? And then complain when disasters hit?

OK, does this sound familiar?
A flood or hurricane or wildfire or earthquake hits. Houses are destroyed. People and animals are injured or killed. The media swarms in. Distraught survivors appear on TV: "Yes, of course we will rebuild. Right here. THIS IS OUR HOME. WE BELONG HERE."

Um, excuse me, but did you get the memo? Mother Nature stated it very clearly: DON'T LIVE HERE. IT IS DANGEROUS. EVEN IF THE DISASTERS ARE 20 OR 30 YEARS APART.

Then the New Orleans mayor announced his logic for returning to New Orleans: "Once the red beans and rice and coffee are cooking, everything will be alright." Huh? Thats all he's got for the reason to return to New Orleans?

It's sad that people's lives were destroyed on the Gulf Coast. It is unacceptable that local, state and national government did not respond as quickly or effectively as they should. But where is the personal accountability? If you live near the coast -- any coast -- or a river -- you must know the risks. Claiming ignorance is no excuse. OK, OK. Children have no choice, and can blame their parents, grandparents, guardians, etc.

This may seem callous. But you know I'm right. It hurts to think that way, but deep down, you know it is right.

But who am I to talk. I live between Houston and Galveston. Almost at Ground Zero for a big hurricane someday. Rita was a close call. But -- if my house were destroyed, I would get the memo, make copies for everyone (2 to a page, of course, to save trees), and re-start elsewhere.

Or not.

Rita Road Trip

2005-09-27T16:43:00.000-05:00

Just got back from a trip to Austin. We partied on 6th Street, took a drive into Hill Country, visited the State House, went to the Austin City Limits music festival, and pretty much lived the laid-back tourist life.

NOT.

We left for Austin last Wednesday in a near panic when CAT 5 Hurricane Rita was forecast to hit just south of Galveston...as a CAT 4. After 24 hous of planning, 6 hours of packing for a possible 2-week + absence, and 2 hours of boarding up windows, we hit the road with 2 cars carrying everything valuable: Ourselves, our dog, important papers and photos, and peanut butter. The first 5 miles were a breeze. After that -- gridlock. 2.7 million evacuees will do that. It took 5 hours to get out of Houston and 9 hours to reach Austin. Usually Austin is a 3 hour drive. And we were lucky. We know people who took 30 hours to reach Austin, and others who spend 36 hours driving and barely cleared Houston. A living nightmare.

In Austin we were glued to CNN and the Internet. Of course Rita hit well northeast of Houston. Great news for us, but not for Beaumont, Port Arthur, and Lake Charles.

The drive home only took 4 hours. A breeze. A tropical breeze.

Texas Tech the Bully

2005-09-17T23:30:00.000-05:00

Texas Tech 80
Sam Houston State 21

Gimme a break.
Ya think maybe if you're a D-1A school playing a D-1AA school....and you're ranked #19 in the country....that MAYBE you would call off the dogs and hold the score down...just a little? I mean, 66 - 21 is still a respectable solid pounding. Why 80?

Twinkies Obsession

2005-09-15T18:53:00.000-05:00

No, I am not obsessed with Twinkies.

But you simply cannot ignore the amazing fact that its their 75th anniversary.

"You know, like even after a nuclear war, we'll be able to find a Twinkie. Like, they're that indestructible."

-- Bill Kolarik, of McCandless, Indiana
Twinkie route delivery guy for 30 years according to Hoosier Gazette

Tennis Envy Part 2.

2005-09-13T23:47:00.000-05:00

Remember Dave? The tennis guy? He's still at it. Today I'm running by the courts, sweating buckets in 90+ heat. Dave is giving a tennis lesson to a kid and waves hello. Meanwhile, up walks a young mom towing her kids in a wagon. She is smiling real big. At me? Nooooooo. She walks right past me, still smiling big, goes up to the tennis court fence, leans on it with her hips thrust sideways (c'mon ladies, you know "the stance"), and starts chatting with Dave. Dave has his cap on backward as usual. With blue wraparound shades. Mr. Cool. AND ... he's got the young tennis moms wrapped. Dave, you're killing me.
Go Dave.

And don't EVEN ask me, "Whats a Nittany?"

2005-09-10T11:55:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I was groaning and whining about my favorite college football team: Penn State. They only beat Univ of South Florida 23-13. It should have been 70 - 0. OK, maybe 55 - 6. You get the idea. So my daughter says: "Well. Its not like Penn State has ever had a good football program."

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh. That hurt.

But she's right. For one-third of her life, Penn State had a string of losing seasons. 26-33 over the last five years, to be exact. Before that, the Nittany Lions were a national championship contender almost every year.

JoePa -- you done good. But its time to hang up the cleats.

You Know Your Country is in Trouble....

2005-09-06T22:29:00.000-05:00

....when the CNN reporters have British accents. Nic Robertson .
Christiane Amanpour . These reporters are usually send to war-torn countries.

Now they are in Louisiana and Mississippi.

Katrina -- from the front lines

2005-09-02T23:30:00.000-05:00

A blog from the front lines -- inside New Orleans. Meanwhile Houston is becoming a refugee camp, somewhat. Many will settle here because they have nothing to return to.

Katrina Aftermath: Texas is Lucky -- This Time

2005-08-30T22:04:00.000-05:00

Texas is very lucky, Katrina missed us. Many Louisiana refugees are staying in and near Houston. Shelters are open and there is a contingency plan to open the Astrodome. It could be weeks or months before New Orleans residents can return there.

Do You Feel Lucky.....Texas??

2005-08-28T13:57:00.000-05:00

Hurricane Katrina -- Category 5

You Make The Call

2005-08-27T00:15:00.000-05:00

So I'm at this work meeting. The woman sitting across from me gets a cellphone call. No big deal, right? OK, You Make the Call. She reaches under her shirt, fishes around awhile, under her bra (I think, not that I was watching like a hawk), and pulls out the cellphone. The ringtone was "Whats New Pussycat" by Tom Jones. She calmly silences the call and continues with the meeting. Jeez, how can I focus on TPS reports after that? And who keeps their cellphone in their bra?? And why wasn't the phone on vibrate...or...was it....??

TV Wasteland

2005-08-23T00:06:00.000-05:00

Scene:
15 year old girl watching TV. Dad enters the room.

Me: Hey isn't that the same actor who was in American Pie?
Daughter: This IS American Pie.
Me: Well I guess that explains it.
Daughter: (laughs hysterically)

Guess you had to be there.

Road Trip...

2005-08-18T18:47:00.000-05:00

I drove my daughter back to college a few days ago. This is her junior year. What a contrast to her freshman year. Her first year we stayed for hours until she was "settled," her whole room was arranged, and her new computer was humming. This year, we quickly dumped her boxes and bags and stuff, I said goodbye, and took off. She was on her own for everything else. Plus she had places to go, people to see, text messages to answer. As it should be...

Kinky!

2005-08-12T17:33:00.000-05:00

Why the hell not?

Kinky Friedman for governor of Texas.

Remember you heard it here first. Or 2nd, or 87th.

Whatever.

Too Much Information

2005-08-11T23:03:00.000-05:00

Well you had to ask.

This handy graph shows visitation to my blog by hour -- for the past 7 months. Peak viewing hours are 10pm and midnight. But there's a big slack time between 3am and 6 am.

Come on -- lets pump up those early morning numbers! You can do it! Go, team!

Hog Heaven

2005-08-06T21:10:00.000-05:00

I scored big today at Target. Bought a roll of duct tape and the hard-to-find ginger Altoids.
Yes, middle age life is that boring.

Mars and Venus Resolved. Sort of.

2005-08-03T12:45:00.000-05:00

Its amazing how the female mind works.
My 15 year old daughter explained it to me recently.
It went something like this. She was upset about missing a shopping trip witih friends due to another commitment:

Me: "Whats the big deal about a shopping trip?"
Her: "Dad, shopping with friends is like if your friends called you to play football."
Me: "OK. Got it."

Another mars-venus mystery unraveled. Only 99,999 more to go.

Who Let the Dogs Out

2005-07-26T20:58:00.000-05:00

Our dog disappeared today. I went racing home from work, talking to my family on the cellphone. OK, think like a dog. Hmmmm....Eat. Sleep. Sleep. Eat. Sniff around. Sleep. Dig holes. Aha-- I said to look over the backyard fence into the neighbor's yards. Not a simple job, our fence connects to 5 different houses. Sure enough / sho 'nuf / fo shnizzle, the dog was in a neighbor's yard. My wife and daughter had the dog safely home before I even left the parking lot. First order of business tonight: replace fence slats that were worn away. Second order of business: Find the lyrics to Who Let the Dogs Out.

Comments missing

2005-07-15T22:43:00.000-05:00

Suddenly the Comments disappeared from my blog. I blame Haloscan. Bad haloscan. Very very bad haloscan.

Celebrity Death Match: Santorum vs Kennedy

2005-07-13T23:50:00.000-05:00

Senator Rick "slimeball" Santorum of Pennsylvania blames Catholic Priest sex scandals on Boston liberals:

"...it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm."

But our hero, the righteous turf warrior Ted "Chappaquiddick" Kennedy says: eat dirt.
It took Teddy 3 years to respond, though.

American politics and religion at their worst. Makes me kind of tingly.

I need a Twinkie.

Anger Management

2005-07-11T23:11:00.000-05:00

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger."
-- Buddha

Texas Sunset

2005-07-07T23:25:00.000-05:00

Testing the new photo easy-upload feature...
This was taken from my backyard. Sort of a "dogs eye view" except dogs are color blind.

Cigar Store Indian

2005-06-30T23:20:00.000-05:00

My all-time favorite Seinfeld episode was on tonight -- The Cigar Store Indian. I've seen this about 10 times but I still laugh when Kramer goes driving by, whooping, with the Cigar Store Indian hanging out of the taxi window.

Oh yeah, I like Family Guy, too. So shoot me. Just for grins, here's a semi-intellectual review of Family Guy.

I think the attraction must be the non-politically-correctness of these 2 shows (?)

Bumpers

2005-06-28T23:31:00.000-05:00

Real-life bumper stickers I've seen lately:

My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom

My kid can beat up your honor student

Christian Couple

Kinky Friedman for Governor

Yup, you can tell I live in Texas.

No Milk Bones For You!

2005-06-24T17:34:00.000-05:00

Today was Take Your Dog To Work Day -- and I missed it!

Rumsfeld -- The Joker

2005-06-23T22:00:00.000-05:00

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
This is just too funny.

"Not a quagmire." Yeah, sure.
Excuse me while I roll on the floor laughing.

And take this, Rummy:
"Rumsfeld was chastised by the Senate's senior member, 87-year-old Democrat Robert Byrd of West Virginia, who objected to what he called the secretary's "sneer" and disdain toward lawmakers' questions. "So get off your high horse when you come up here," Byrd told Rumsfeld... "

Calvin and Hobbes -- Where are you?

2005-06-20T23:47:00.000-05:00

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. "
-- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)

So whatever happened to C&H? That was one of my favorite comics.

Milestones, Life Events, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda

2005-06-17T23:24:00.000-05:00

1. Earned a "silver award" level in Presidents Fitness Challenge. 45,000+ points in 9 months. Woohoo.
2. Did my first successful self-checkout at the grocery store -- WITHOUT cursing.
3. Started chewing spearmint gum after a 33 year break. My h.s. football mouthguard was spearmint flavor. I could never handle spearmint after that. Until now.
4. My son graduated from college AND has a job. With stock options. Cool.
5. My daughter is working in California this summer and has already survived 3 earthquakes in 4 days.
6. Found a family xmas letter from 1993 which proudly announced that my youngest daughter (3 at the time) could write her name AND color within the lines.
7. Read my first fiction book in about a year. The Zero Game. Its good. Read it.

More Truth than Fiction...

2005-06-16T23:24:00.000-05:00

Rant Update

2005-06-13T08:45:00.000-05:00

Went back to that Subway. The slow girl was gone. In her place was a young guy who worked FAST. I'm glad management saw the light. This resulted in me being hungry for 1 less minute that day. And that is important.

Meanwhile, driving by a local Quiznos sub shop, they had a guy in the median strip holding a sign saying "Get toasty -- come to Quiznos." Or something like that. It was noon, 90+ degrees, with steambath humidity.

Get toasty? In Houston in summer? What were they thinking??

The Top Ten

2005-06-07T21:43:00.000-05:00

Letterman -- watch your back!

Top Ten List of most-visited Short and Sweet blog posts:

She Was Hot, Sweet, and Pink
Bad Moon Risin
I am SO LAZY that...
Grocery Store Rant
Houston Marathon
Soccer and Softball Moms
The Zone
Mystery Blonde
Twinkies Culture
The Strategic Plan of a Dog

p.s. If your comment has disappeared -- that's a casualty of haloscan.

Stuff I've always wanted to say in real life, for real, just so I can say I said it

2005-06-03T23:37:00.000-05:00

Yo Adrian
Officer, you were speeding. I'm placing you under citizens arrest.
If you're not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
Hasta la vista, baby
You're fired
Do you feel lucky, punk?
I call your million...and raise you two million
Tuna on toast
Book 'em
Sue the bastards

Hmmm I seem to detect a theme here, but I'm not sure wha t.

Fast Food Rant

2005-05-27T12:35:00.000-05:00

Hey, I just want fast food workers to work fast? Is that too much to ask??

My last trip to Subway, the order-taker was a study in efficiency. She talked fast, moved fast, set up 3 or 4 subs at once, was always moving -- the perfect worker. Then everything hit a brick wall. The next worker in the chain was moving in slow motion, minus 1. She SLOWLY put on the lettuce. Then she stared at it, patted it flat, and arranged it. She put on the tomatoes and cucumbers ONE - BY - ONE. Then she CAREFULLY arranged the peppers. Hey, this isn't a flower shop! BIG DOG IS HUNGRY!! The first efficient worker was about 40. She should get a raise. The slowpoke was about 20. They should fire her sorry _ss for keeping me waiting. And then give her pay to the good worker.

Top Secret

2005-05-25T00:17:00.000-05:00

Today I saw a secret computer animation of Houston and Galveston "inundation" from a Category 4 hurricane storm surge. I could tell you more -- but then I'd have to shoot you. I just love saying that. Lets just say its not a pretty picture. There is a silver lining, though. My house would be very near the new "beach". Hey, beachfront property! But somehow I don't think the value would go up.

Job satisfaction

2005-05-19T10:17:00.000-05:00

My wife is a social worker in a large high school. She helps more people in a day than I help in a year. I really admire her. My job as a chief cat-herder (aka manager) doesn't compare on most days.

Tennis Envy

2005-05-12T15:14:00.000-05:00

I know this tennis junkie named Dave. He's a nice guy -- a MAWG (middle age white guy) like me. He taught his daughters to play tennis and one has a full tennis scholarship. Dave started giving lessons lately. Groups of giggling 30-something women are all lined up -- taking turns hitting the ball. Dave wears his cap backwards. Go Dave. They are hanging on his every word -- hoping for a tip on technique, or a morsel of kudos. Go Dave. To the tennis moms, Dave is a god. I have seen this myself, as I go jogging by the courts. And he's getting paid for it! Go Dave!

Yo, wench!

2005-05-07T14:18:00.000-05:00

Sadly....this is the only line I understood at my daughter's high school Shakespeare play.

After the show, I was congratulating an actress I know -- she had a male part in the play. She said, "I have to go un-duct-tape my boobs."

Ouch.

I wonder if that is listed on the 1001 uses of duct tape, give or take 852.

Decisions, Decisions

2005-05-05T17:26:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...which specialty license plate should I order?

God bless America -- OR -- God bless Texas

The state of Texas is actively "pushing" these with annual registration notices.

Hey, I'll order one of each!
NOT.

Strange Stuff

2005-05-03T23:40:00.000-05:00

Strange stuff is everywhere, if you just look. Within the last few weeks I've seen:

> A couple at a restaurant, each reading their own book.

> A woman at the aiport with BIG round curlers in her hair waiting for her (and my) early morning flight.

> An 80-something couple riding bikes in a wobbly way on a busy street without helmets. And they went so slowly through the intersection, that I had to stop my car and WAIT! Don't they know I'm in a RUSH?

> A pickup truck carrying a big plastic bull. Nevermind -- not strange -- its Texas.

Is it just me.....or...

2005-04-27T19:29:00.000-05:00

... do you get impatient, almost to the point of anger and hostility, when the person in front of you takes too long in the salad-bar line?

...was this pope thing way over-hyped?

...is golf really a sport?

...why would anyone actually buy a yellow car?

...does the lack of computer or cell phone cause a slight sense of panic? OK, a big sense of panic?

Call me old fashioned...

2005-04-26T00:05:00.000-05:00

But just don't call me old. Or fashioned.

Remember when driving was fun?

2005-04-22T06:53:00.000-05:00

My daughter just got her learners permit. First trip: around the neighborhood. We finished one lap and she said, "OK, enough of this neighborhood crap, lets hit the main roads. " Ha.

Well at least we brought her up to be assertive.

Twinkies Culture

2005-04-14T23:47:00.000-05:00

Twinkies are HOT again. Is this a curse -- or a cultural icon?

"More than just a top selling snack cake, the Twinkie has emerged as a
social phenomenon with a treasure trove of amazing tales that underscore
its astonishing impact on our culture."

Deja vu all over again.

I'm amazed that "Napolean Dynamite" didn't feature Twinkies.

Napolean Dynamite -- AGAIN

2005-04-12T21:50:00.000-05:00

The Idaho state legislature apparently ran out of REAL work to do. They passed a resolution proclaiming that "Napolean Dynamite" was great P/R for Idaho.

I give up. I'm voting for Pedro.

Popes and Flags

2005-04-10T16:50:00.000-05:00

U.S flags were flown at half-staff when the Pope died. Wrong move! The Pope is a religous leader. Flying flags at half-staff for the Pope violates separation of church and state, at least in spirit (pardon the semi-pun). Ok, so he is also the leader of Vatican City -- a so-called "head of state." But the U.S. doesn't drop-flag for other heads of state, or for other religous leaders.

So who can I notify about this travesty? I know -- the Dept of Faith-Based Initiatives...

Spam I am

2005-04-06T18:34:00.000-05:00

Lately the Subject lines of spam emails have gotten funny. Geez, I couldn't make up names this bizarre:

Layaway J. Debater

Filtrated L. Clergywoman

Diversionary L. Highbrows

Sociologists D. Natty

Handyman H. Lathering

Senseless A. Mimeographed

Performs A. Offended

Violoncello P. Buckshot

Zamboni

2005-04-03T01:12:00.000-06:00

Just a cool word.

More Power!

2005-03-29T15:37:00.000-06:00

Here's the deal. Three neighbors and I pitched in on a pressure washer. Gas-powered. 2500+ psi. Power galore. I spent a recent weekend pressure-washing my gray/black driveway and sidewalks. They are now super-white. After I was done, a neighbor started his driveway. The machine broke. We took it back and the store replaced it with a MORE POWERFUL model. This is terrible! Now my neighbors will have MORE POWER than I did. I am losing sleep over this.

Maybe I should go buy a chainsaw to help me feel better.

Driving you nuts

2005-03-25T17:06:00.000-06:00

The dot game. Stay alive for more than 10 seconds -- if you can.

Is the screen moving -- or not?

Beach Report

2005-03-20T10:45:00.000-06:00

Went to the beach Saturday. Here's the report:

Beach: Galveston
Sand: Brown with dried seaweed
Surf: Strong for Galveston
Air temp: 80
Water temp: 60
Shrinkage: Major
Women with bikinis: Dunno, wasn't looking....
Dogs: A lot of them

Cool Song Bits

2005-03-17T00:35:00.000-06:00

Great retro cool song parts. Especially 3, 4, 6, 7, 25, 28, 29, 31, 34, 40, 44, 50.

Cool songs -- 15 second sound bytes -- by the numbers. Short and SWEET ! Whats not to like?

Praying for Starbucks

2005-03-16T23:10:00.000-06:00

Near my house, a huge new church building is almost complete.
Their claim to fame: A Starbucks! Hallelujah, a new way to stay awake during sermons. Not to be outdone, another mega-church in Houston leased the Compaq Center -- former home of the Houston Rockets. Seating for 16,000+.

These mega-churches are getting out of hand. Organized religion has gotten way too organized. But you knew that.

10 x 10

2005-03-13T10:13:00.000-06:00

Now this is cool.

A news photo matrix updated continuously and -- most importantly -- untouched by human hands.

The Hooker

2005-03-11T23:45:00.000-06:00

It was a hot sultry Mississippi night last July, after a long day of tournament softball games. Four softball dads and one 16-year brother just returned from a go-kart racing. The softball moms were hanging out one condo balcony, the players (girls age 14 - 15) were on another balcony. As we strolled into the parking lot, we caught sight of a 20-something blonde bomb with a tight shirt, mini-skirt and high heels, talking on a cellphone. She seemed distressed. OK, here was our dilemma: Offer help to a poor girl in distress, which meant approaching a likely hooker. Or -- run like crazy -- since the moms and daughters were watching from above, like hawks. And we all knew, too well, Basic Gender Rule # 87: Female memories last an eternity. Was this a setup? A trap? Where's the TV cameras? Nope, it was real. In the end --the macho dads did the smart thing. Nothing. Nada. Zippo. Less than zero. Meanwhile the teenage boy went and talked to the (alleged) hooker. Hey, he was just being a good Boy Scout, seeing if she needed help. But then a cab came and whisked her away. Later the dads decided we're basically wimps and the teenage big brother was the brave one. Such is the fate of the MAWGs (middle-age-white-guys)...

X-Treme Short and Sweet

2005-03-06T22:50:00.000-06:00

Quickies.
Because who's got time to read a bunch of words.

How is it possible that I only have right-handed work gloves in the garage? Where's the lefties? Is this somehow related to Michael Jackson's bad karma?

Today's zone song: Runaround Sue

The Rudicus Report has re-gained link-worthiness.

Napolean Dynamite does the Letterman Top Ten.

Put this in your family time capsule. Annoying things of 2004.

The view from Mount Everest. This will save you the trouble of trying to climb it yourself.

Poodle or Pit Bull?

2005-03-04T22:50:00.000-06:00

Here's a dog test to see which dog personality you match.

My result: Siberian Husky.

Sweet!

Patience Warning -- the quiz takes some minor navigating to get to. Once you get there, its slow and clunky.

Father Forgive Me....

2005-03-02T18:36:00.000-06:00

...For I bought 13 items at the 10-item express line. I'm so bad. I almost went to Confession, and I'm not Catholic. But it all evens out. Behind me in line was little old lady digging through her oversize purse...

A Sign of the Times

2005-02-27T12:24:00.000-06:00

Some hand-written school papers were on the computer desk. I didn't recognize the writing. After some quick detective work -- reading the papers -- I realized they were my daughter's. I didn't recognize the writing at first -- because -- she types almost everything on the computer. Like most of us do. Last time I saw anything handwritten, beyond a birthday card or a phone message, was a few years ago.

Well, enough Deep Thoughts. Hmmmm...WWJHS? What Would Jack Handy Say...?
Perhaps this...

"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself "mankind" Basically it is made up of two separate words- "Mank" and "ind" What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. "
-- Jack Handy

The Contest

2005-02-25T17:01:00.000-06:00

Exactly one year ago The Contest began. Another softball dad (our daughters play on the same softball team) challenged me to a push-up contest. Immediately the odds were against me. He is 5 years younger and a weight-lifter. I hadn't lifted in 30 + years. But -- his push-up count was only 10 ahead of me. I had a shot. So I trained. Well, off and on. Hey, push-ups are boring. Progress is slow. I skipped a few days and weeks here and there. I had no coach, no trainer, no discipline. Just a desire to not get embarrassed. The contest was loosely scheduled for May. But being slackers, it just didn't happen. Suddenly at a team party in July, he said, "Push ups." Thats guy-speak for "Its time for the push-up contest we agreed to in February and kept putting off until now, and I'm going to open a can of whoop-ass on you." I said "You're on." Which is guy-speak for "You're on." He took a vodka shot and did 54 pushups. Ouch. I swigged a vodka shot and hit the deck. With players and parents cheering, adrenalin kicked in. The first 30 were a breeze. At 40 I was sweating. After 44, each pushup was agony. At 49 my arms gave out. Collapsed on the floor. Somebody said it was a tie -- he had spotted me 5 for age. A moral victory. Pass the vodka.

And the biggest victory -- this post is still below the 300-word self-imposed limit!

You're welcome.

Bad Moon Risin'

2005-02-21T22:38:00.000-06:00

Paradise Zone

2005-02-20T23:17:00.000-06:00

Today's zone song for running motivation was "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" by Meatloaf. Gave me that burst of energy to hit the 3-mile mark.

Duct Tape Hell

2005-02-18T00:22:00.000-06:00

CAPTION CONTEST!

Post a comment...or email to bigdog555@gmail.com

Starter captions:

"Damn, why was I so stingy with those Christmas bonuses?"

"There's gotta be a better way to get rid of chest hair!"

"Hey, my nose itches...somebody.......anybody!"

Get Out Two Sharpened Number 2 Pencils

2005-02-16T15:47:00.000-06:00

Now doesn't that send just a little chill down your spine....?

Canine Conundrum

2005-02-14T22:40:00.000-06:00

Last night a cat walked across our front porch. Yet our dog was sleeping peacefully inside, by the door. I thought, what a shame. A cat is slinking around just 10 feet from my dog -- yet my dog has no clue!

So here's the question:
If a cat walks by -- and a dog doesn't see it -- does the cat really exist?

Which leads to the next logical question:
Why do cats exist?

Maybe to support the cat food industry...

She Was Hot, Sweet, and Pink...

2005-02-11T13:58:00.000-06:00

... and from a distance, she looked like a '56 Chevy for sale. But up close and personal it was really a '54 Ford "Fordomatic." Off-color beige. With rust and ripped seats. Nevermind.

...And Another One Bites the Dust...

2005-02-10T01:40:00.000-06:00

Farewell Anoop, you've been benched. Your Link-Worthy replacement is a wacko and somewhat neurotic UT student that posts several times a day. Sure its quantity vs quality. But "thats show biz" & dems de breaks, & if you wanted life to be fair, you came to the wrong planet & yadda yadda yadda.

Though I can't believe this kid misses class to watch "Desperate Housewives." Jeez.

I am SO LAZY that....

2005-02-07T19:07:00.000-06:00

...I hit 33 or 22 or 44 seconds on the microwave. Instead of 30 or 20 or 40. Why? To save finger-moving time, of course!

Actually, this isn't laziness, its efficiency.

The Olsen Twins -- A Mystery of the Universe

2005-02-06T13:38:00.000-06:00

Yup. The Olsen Twins truly are a Mystery of the Universe.

Yes! I'm Diverse!

2005-02-05T06:11:00.000-06:00

For the sake of Diversity I added a new blog to my "Link-Worthy" section.

This blog, You're Stompin' on my Last Nerve , is (apparently) by a young black female. I'm a Middle Age White Guy (MAWG). So she is my opposite. Bingo -- diversity! Plus her writing style is completely "in-your-face" -- and she's not shy about trash talking herself or anyone, really. Like this:

"This is your day, suckas. Enjoy it. Relish it. I, in all my Royal Office and Supreme Reign, give this day, the Twenty-Fourth of January, the year of our Lord Two-Thousand and Five to the Wrongs. The Stalkalistic Summamabitches. The Sugar Daddies. The Old F***s who dont get it. All of you. This is your day. I surrender.

Sincerely,
Her Imperial Majesty, MiniMee-MistyMarie, Neighborhood Queen (Reigning Supreme). "

Blog Toon

2005-02-03T17:23:00.000-06:00

My Idol -- Jack Handy

2005-02-01T20:36:00.000-06:00

I stumbled on a book of Jack Handy "deep thoughts" on my last Barnes and Noble trip while sipping overpriced coffee, with a yuppie-ish name like "cafe mariachi" or "grande verde" or something like that. Jack Handy is actually a real person! I always thought it was some made-up dude that SNL dreamed up. His stuff is classic: short, funny, extremely logical, but completely off the wall. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

Some personal faves:
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other."

"I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."

The Strategic Plan of a Dog

2005-01-31T17:11:00.000-06:00

Vision Statement:
Black, white, whatever.

Mission Statement:
Run with the Big Dogs

Core Values:
Huh?

Strategic Plan:
Goal 3: Get to the trash BEFORE they take it out.
Goal 2: Catch squirrels BEFORE they get into the tree.
Goal 5: Find out the lyrics to "Who Let the Dogs Out."
Goal 4: Score more doggie treats.
Goal 1: More belly-rubs.
Goal 9: Less baths.
Goal 8 Develop math skills to figure out this "dog years" thing.
Goal 7: Disable the Internet to get more belly-rub time (See Goal 1).
Goal 6: Learn to count.

Implementation Plan:
Sleep
Eat
Chase anything that moves or flies
Roll around in smelly stuff
Beg for walks
Follow people around the house in case something interesting happens
Scour floors for people-food droppings
Bark at strangers, doorbells, and loud noises
Repeat

WHAT? NHL is on strike? Special Bonus: Football Rant

2005-01-29T15:32:00.000-06:00

Hey, I just found out the National Hockey League is on strike. Has been for months. I haven't missed it at all. Does that make me un-American? un-Canadian? Anti-puck-ite?

Of course when the topic of hockey comes up, its practically required to say this:
"I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out."

Coming soon: a RANT on pro football players and their unprofessional, unsportsmanlike, annoying hot-dogging. Hey, that's my rant -- short and sweet. And stereotypically MAWG. Take that, Randy Moss.

I feel much better now.

Size Does Matter -- but --

2005-01-26T17:56:00.000-06:00

Shrinkage matters more.

I dumped a blog from my "Link-Worthy" section. Posts were just WAY too long. Shrink it --and I'll link it!

Mystery Blonde

2005-01-23T11:53:00.000-06:00

A charcoal-gray Honda convertible with a license plate holder saying "Blondes Really Are More Fun" parked next to my car three times last week. I have no idea who she is. Hundreds of people work in my building.

This raises 10 important questions:

1. In this era of rampant blonde jokes, who would flaunt their blonde-ness?
2. Is she a natural blonde?
3. Is she young or old, and what is the actual definition of young vs old?
4. Is she stalking me?
5. Or am I stalking her?
6. Since when did Honda make a convertible?
7. Why not a red convertible? Blondes just belong in red convertibles. Its the Natural Order of Things.
8. How can I possibly work with this distraction?

Questions 9 and 10 are better left unsaid.

Whoop there's Anoop!

2005-01-20T23:24:00.000-06:00

Anoop is a college kid who is friends with my son and daughter. They showed me his blog a year ago. It defies description -- in a good way. Somewhere in the bermuda triangle between off-the wall, over the top, and eclectic. And playfully illustrated. Thanks Anoop -- for getting me interesting in blogging. And welcome to the "link-worthy" section.

A recent Anoop post:
"When I say a drag, I don't mean like a drag queen or a drag off a fine cigar, mainly because I don't know how the hell it could possibly be like a drag queen and I didn't recall relaxing or blowing smoke rings. I mean a drag like someone's slowly pulling you by your hind legs through a bramblefield while laughing maniacally and throwing glass shards over his shoulder. Did I mention that you also happen to be a donkey with abnormally long hind legs? I don't know why, but it makes it all the more painful."

I ran the Houston Marathon!

2005-01-19T22:47:00.000-06:00

Well, actually, it wasn't the exact path of the Houston Marathon. But it was in Houston. And I didn't quite run 26.2 miles. But I did run a lot, for me. And I did hit "the wall," because it was dark and I bumped into a tree. OK, so I ran 2.1 miles. It was a 0.08 Marathon.

Maybe next year....

This Napolean Dynamite thing is getting out of hand.

2005-01-16T23:11:00.000-06:00

My 14 year old daughter went to a friend's house to watch Napolean Dynamite and "learn the dance." A few days later, she decided to eat her food "like Napolean."

It's becoming a cult. I might need to hire a de-programmer.

Grocery Store Rant

2005-01-13T15:46:00.000-06:00

This is a MAJOR problem.
I'm at the grocery store. Someone (OK, usually a woman, usually 60 +), is taking FOREVER at the checkout. First she has to EXPLAIN and DEFEND why she's buying whatever. Like anyone cares. Then she slowly pulls out some wadded-up cash and THEN opens her little change purse and
P A I N F U L L Y counts out exact change. To the penny. Or worse...she digs through her purse, finds her checkbook, and, using her VERY BEST THIRD-GRADE PENMANSHIP, writes out a check. Dots every i. Crosses every t. Does all the subtraction. Checks with a calculator. Double-checks the receipt. Tilts her head to admire her work. Then -- the checker has to see her drivers license, then stamp and clear the check. Aaaaaaaaaargh.

Can't these people see I'M IN A RUSH? I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO!!

Me? I fork over 1 or 2 (or 3, or 4, whatever) crisp 20 dollar bills and DONT WORRY ABOUT GIVING EXACT CHANGE. Sometimes I leave the pennies, just to make a statement. SPEED, SPEED, SPEED. And -- no talking to the checker! (Unless she's cute and smiles, then a quick flirt is OK).

Oh, and ladies -- P U H - L E A S E get a DEBIT CARD. FOR MY SANITY!!

So --- people, stop keeping me waiting at the grocery store.

Really, some people are just so self-centered.

Road Trip!

2005-01-11T21:16:00.000-06:00

From my son's AIM away-message. The fun and funk of being 21...

-------------------------
Rose Bowl Week:
12/29 4:30 PM: Leave Austin for LA with 11 others squeezed into a giant van. Begin to think this is the worst idea I have ever had. Turns out not so bad.
12/30 1 PM: Arrive in LA tired and grumpy. I hate everyone. 11 PM: Hit up Korea-town for an awesome night of drunken karaoke.
12/31 12 PM: Touristy/sightseeing stuff...Santa Monica, Hollywood, etc 10 PM: Universal Studios for New Years party. I am DD. Will it be fun? 1 AM: A night of crazy stuff concludes.
1/1 7 AM: I wake up. 8 AM: Try to wake everyone up. 9 AM: Everyone wakes up. 10 AM: Leave for Rose Bowl. Greatest game of my life. 9 PM: Leave LA for VEGAS.
1/2 12:30 AM: Arrive in Vegas. Stay up all night. Win 30 bucks 7 AM: Leave Vegas. 9 AM: We cross the Hoover Dam. That was cool.
1/3 8 AM: Back in Austin. Tired. I hate everyone.

And I'm STILL Waiting....

2005-01-10T17:34:00.000-06:00

...for something to happen. I watched "Napolean Dynamite" for the 2nd time, and I still don't get it. My kids say thats exactly the point -- that there is no point. Meanwhile this is becoming a semi-cult movie. My college son even went to a Vote for Pedro party.

Tsunami Photos are a Hoax

2005-01-07T15:51:00.000-06:00

Some dramatic "tsunami" pics are flying around the internet. But its some event in 2002, not the December 2004 tsunami.

Let the buyer beware.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/tsunami/tsunami1.asp

The Murder Tour

2005-01-06T14:16:00.000-06:00

When my college kids come home with friends -- they always show off the infamous "Clear Lake Murder Tour." Highlights/lowlights include:

-- Andrea Yates' house (drowned her 5 kids)
-- Clara Harris murder: Nassau Bay Hilton ("the Mercedes murder")
-- The Clear Lake teenager murders

Oh yeah, today's news was Andrea Yates' conviction was overturned.

And these are the leaders of tomorrow

2005-01-05T18:23:00.000-06:00

My daughter's friend told me we use "big words" in our family. So I said, "thats preposterous."

She didn't get it, of course.

Busted

2005-01-03T17:22:00.000-06:00

Went to WalMart / Evil Empire -- and -- left empty handed. This is against the law in 22 states. I made it home, but I think I was followed. Nah, it was just my imaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Pahk the Cah and Go Red Sox

2005-01-02T01:06:00.000-06:00

Overheard during our National Lampoon family vacation in Boston:

"You might not think you're cold...but you really are cold!" (a new family classic)

"Driving here is like playing in a video game."

"OK, where is that couple that just got engaged? We need to finish the Fenway Park Tour!"

"No, the carrot is for the snowman's nose, not the eyes."

"Um, dad, next time lean into the turn and your sled won't hit a tree."

"Where's mom? (the 70-something one) Oh no -- she's ice skating -- somebody rescue her!"

"Hey, we have that same bull head in our kitchen!"

"Arizona State...???"

"What do you mean our suitcase is in Chicago?"

Its Official. Festivus Rules. NY Times Confirms.

2004-12-18T13:25:00.000-06:00

Article here.

Try bugmenot to avoid pesky registration if they ask.

I went scavenging in the garage and actually found an aluminum pole. A relic of a long-ago busted mop or something. Who knows why I saved it. Wait, I know why. Its because, "you never know." Or -- pure laziness. I duct-taped it to a plastic funnel. We now have our first official Festivus Pole. Cleverly non-decorated, of course.

Cubes!

2004-12-17T07:09:00.000-06:00

Dilbert culture run amok.

Barney and Barbie Backlash Day

2004-12-16T01:03:00.000-06:00

Today is Barney and Barbie Backlash Day.

Barney -- Agree.
Barbie -- Hey, whats the problem...??

(Now, please excuse me while I duck for cover -- as every female reader of this blog screams and throws stuff at the computer screen...)